Who needs a Father? uh, I guess I do....

A year or so around the time this picture was taken my dad walked out of my life. I had always been told it was because he left for a pack of cigarettes & never returned, no phone calls, letters, child support, birthday cards, nothing. As a child I was fine with that answer. As an adult who's dealt with so many children from ministry, preschool, & foster care, I had a feeling there was more to the story than I'd been told. A dad doesn't just leave without explanation, leaving no indication things aren't okay, never hear from him - or his family again. I lost track of all the counseling appointments I had to sit through because I'd say I hated my dad....I guess to them that meant I was messed up. Yet they expected me to love someone I didn't really know AND call him my dad - to me, that was messed up!

My relationship with my stepdad was not a happy one. People used to say it was because I was disrespectful to him as a teenager - but the abuse started way before that - as early as 3rd grade from what I remember. I found a picture of me, my sisters, mom and Keith (I still don't like to refer to him as even stepdad) one sister on each other lap and I was seated next to him, everyone smiling - except me - I had scrowl on my face and was scooted as far from him as I could be. I think I was about 8 in that picture. I endured the abuse from him until I moved out and in with Leon when I was 18. I have truly only hated 1 person in my life, and it was Keith. Yes, I said hate. I meant it. And believe me....it took many, many years to be able to forgive him and release that hate. (This does not mean that the relationship was restored - in fact, when I received a phone call that he had died from MS, I didn't have any feelings at all except that I had hoped he made things right with God while his mind was still intact - it had been many years since I had seen or spoken with him)

My mom remarried abotu 4 years ago (I think, maybe more!) but I call him by his first name, or as Natalie's Papa. It's just kinda weird to me to have a new "dad" at 30something. I've never got him a card or gift, we're not really close....and to be honest, I've never asked what he expected from me as his wife's daughter - his stepdaughter. So I don't know how he feels.

So Father's Day has never been an important event for me. In fact, I came to despise it. I just couldn't understand why I should celebrate a father - either one - that had hurt me both emotionally and physically. I'd heard all the sermons about how God was my Father and I once had my pastor (Myrna Marble, at the Gospel Lighthouse in Neosho) give a Word from God to me of how "they were men my mom married, and they may have been a dad to me and hurt me but how I (God) am your Father, I'll never leave you, hurt you. I'll always be here for you."
It's amazing that although it was spoken to me at age 17, I still remember those words....because they were the first words I'd ever had spoken over me and it was so impactful to me....I'd never forget it. The first glimpse of a how a real Father should be.

I'd always thought it was strange (ok, in some cases I thought it was outright shocking) how some of my friends and their dads interacted. When we were 16-17 years old and they'd be referring to their dad as "Daddy"....I thought what kind of weird family do they belong to?! It almost embarassed me to be there when they showed affection to one another. It was such a foreign concept to me. It wasn't until after my second child, my daughter Natalie, was born and I saw how my husband, her Daddy, interacted with her that I realized, Oh my Gosh, THIS is how things are supposed to be! I then began to understand what a healthy father-daughter relationship means and looks like.


It wasn't until just a few months ago that I truly grasped the concept of what God is like as my Father. I'd heard it time and time again, I'd said it, I'd taught on it, but as far as in my heart, in my emotions, in my spirit and soul believing it, it finally took place in my car, as I was praying (in the Spirit) on the way home from a power packed Holy Ghost meeting....I had actually stepped out of the prayer line - it was getting late and since being at church most all week, I hadn't seen Leon for days except for a few minutes between him coming home and me leaving. He had sent a text saying he was going to bed, so I decided to leave. During my time of prayer, I began to prophesy over myself, (which I'd never done before) and God had spoken a great word to me about His role as my Father, and mine as His Daughter. I cried so much on the way home I almost pulled over and then I didn't want to get out of the car when I pulled in the driveway.

So here we are, it's almost Father's Day again - and this time in my life, I don't dread it. I'm not emotional, sad, or angry. I sat down this afternoon and wrote my dad a letter. I haven't spoken to him since Christmas Day 2010. (which was only the 2nd time since I was 4!) but I wanted to let him know that I hoped he had a Blessed Father's Day. I'm leaving out the part about the prophet speaking to me about me about God saying He saw me as a little girl, crying and hurting....and how I got connected with my dad - I guess that's another post - but I truly believe God doesn't drop things into place for them to be taken halfway....he Has a purpose and a plan and He's revealed it to me - to be able to help others through it. I believe restoration will take place someday - when? I don't know. All I know is it was my part to forgive - both of them - and to take the first step - as He directs them.

I finally graduated from Bible School....and it only took me 20 years!

I did it! I graduated from Bible School last weekend! I attended Carol Granderson's school, Power & Light Gospel School of Evangelism (First Year Class) since last September and I graduated. It was wonderful because I took the class and graduated with Leon.

I had full intentions of attending Bible School in Joplin, MO at Ozark Christian College, after my high school graduation from Neosho. My mom filled out my application for me, gave me the app fee and handed it all to me to mail in. I got nervous and wondered what in the heck I was doing since my mom couldn't afford to pay for it, I had no job, no car, no scholarships, no grants, no loans (and no body to tell me those things were possible!) so, I never turned them in. Yep, just as I did with Nathan while he was waiting to hear from JBU on his acceptance last spring - my mom would ask me everyday...."You get anything yet?" "You hear from them today?" , etc...I finally had to face the wrath of mother and tell her I never turned in....she wasn't happy, and honestly, neither was I. I'd always wished I had went to Bible School. I now thought that I'd never get to Pastor, teach, minister, be a missionary....all because I didn't go to Bible School.

Isn't it amazing though that God is faithful to what He's promised?! I was 15 years old and standing under the bell at the tabernacle in Wyandotte, OK, overlooking the dorms at church camp and I heard Him tell me that one day I would be a leader and minister of children and bring kids to church camp myself. The day that I decided not to go to Bible school, I felt like I had just ruined everything....and for a long time, I believed it.

I just love that even though sometimes I mess things up due to my spontaneous actions and thoughts, that God still cares, He still has a plan, and He will still bring it to pass....even though I wonder if He sighs and thinks "Good Gosh, she did it again......now it's going to have to happen this way.....if only she would stop and think about things first....it would save us both some time!"

So that's pretty much how things went - I didn't go to school, I began working in the ministry in 1999 part time and full time in 2000 through 2009 and back to part time in 2009 (and still going!) I started Sis. Carol's school once before but because of other issues at the time, I had to drop out and this time around we had to drop for a few classes and were blessed to be able to continue.....we didn't go on and pay for Associate's Degree - but that wasn't why I did it in the first place....I did it to complete a life goal.....to graduate from Bible School. I kinda like that I did it all backwards....it let me realize (and show others) that you don't have to have a degree, a diploma, or a title to share the Word of God with others.....you only have to have the Word & Love of God inside YOU! We're all called to be Ministers of Reconcilation!

The Shaking of the Snow Globe

I must say that 2010 was definitely a better year for me than 2009 but I'm excited to see it go and welcome in Twenty 11!

While praying one night in 09 (after an extremely difficult situation) I had a thought (I'd even go as far as saying God inspired) of my life as a snow globe. It had been picked up, shaken as hard as it could be and sat down while everyone watched over it as the pieces of my life were spinning around crazily - wondering where and when they'd land.

The pieces landed everywhere and just when it looked like they were finally settled, someone would come along and give it another shake. I just knew that it was eventually going to be broken from the shaking taking place. But, it didn't. I had a new job, a new church, a new hairstyle, new friends, new way of thinking, new outlook.....2010 was a welcoming sight for these sore eyes!

2010 brought me many things - peace, joy, and a new passion for God. I had no idea that another shaking was to take place. This time, when the globe was picked up, it was held upside down, and this time I did the watching. I watched as all the pieces fell to the top of the globe and then as it was gently turned back upright, I watched the pieces fall.....softly down, right where they were destined to be.

2010 was definitely a year of memories for me - good memories.....although to get to the good ones, I had to deal with the bad ones. Things that I thought I had buried many, many years ago. But I guess that's the problem when you bury things instead of destroying them. They can be dug up. And it's not a pretty sight being covered in mud up to your knees and dirt under your fingernails. It's tough to deal with.

After about 25 years of "Yeah, I know, God" I finally had that moment of "You're right, God" and when it hit me, I had never felt such peace and joy in all my life. So to celebrate, God decided to really bless me and show me exactly how much He cares and you'll never believe what happened (I'll share next time!)

So this Thanksgiving & Christmas Season was spent with my family and living life differently, knowing how much My Father loves me. I can only imagine how He plans to bless me in 2011....since He's able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think according to the power that worketh in us! Ephesians 3:20

My kids

If you don't know my son, let me describe him to you. Nathan is a quiet, laid back, techy, analytical, sarcastic, strong-willed, and what I have called BBC humored. I say this all as a compliment. I'm proud of my son. I've actually seen him run across a parking lot to hold doors open for the elderly. I've seen him give away all his money to buy someone else dinner and not have enough to pay for his own. I've seen him raise his hands in worship to God, not caring what the people next to him are thinking. He made the decision at a young age to live a godly lifestyle - no alcohol, no drugs, living a life of purity and accountability. I've seen him walk across the stage at his graduation after 12 years of hard work - and then walking across the campus of John Brown University as a college freshman - following his childhood dreams. I sometimes feel a little guilty when I hear others talk about the tough situations that they've had to deal with their sons. But then I know, just as his name declares he is "A gift from God". I've spoken & prayed words of blessings & godliness into his life and I'm not surprised of the outcome.


Oh, my Natalie! If you've met her, you'd remember!
She's our bundle of energetic joy. Our miracle baby...the one we longed for so long. I finally broke down, praying the prayer of Hannah - Lord, bless me with a daughter (yeah, I know Hannah wanted a son!) and I'll raise her in the house of the Lord and she will learn to serve you. God blessed us with Natalie and she loves Him and serves Him.

She loves to participate in the Servalife's we do - and she hands out PAID4U.tv cards to her friends and teachers at school....inviting them to church and tells them to give the cards to someone else.

She's a sweetheart - loves animals, people, and God but oh, gosh....what a dramatic child she is!
She's in 2nd grade, almost an eight year old. Wow. I wish that I had as much energy and love as she does. Her laugh makes me laugh - and her cry makes me cry. I'm so blessed God gave her to us. I tell her everyday (as I did Nathan) before school "You are blessed and highly favored" and she'll either laugh or growl at me "yeah, I know!"